Matthew Savoca

They walked around knowing that their relationship might end. They didn’t talk about it but they thought about it and one of them wrote in a notebook about it that the other one sometimes read. They sometimes made little comments that let the other person know they were thinking about it, like: “If our relationship ended today, what would you do?”
          One of them wanted them to have sex sometimes and the other one didn’t want that, but the one that didn’t didn’t seem to want to have sex with anyone else either. The one that wanted to have sex masturbated quietly in the bathroom with the door locked. One of them always made dinner and also cleaned the dishes. That person also always did the laundry and cleaned the house. When they borrowed a car, that same person always drove it. This was the same person that wanted to have sex sometimes. The person who didn’t want that didn’t want anything at all. That person did not have energy to do anything. The person who wanted to have sex did have energy, but not a lot, just a little. That person tried to be close to the other person, like on a couch, and send some energy into that other person physically, by touching or just being in very close proximity, as bodies, and sometimes it worked, but then the other person would lose the energy or spend it being angry and then the energy was gone and neither of them had it. Both people loved the other person and disliked their self a little bit, but the person without energy disliked their self a lot and even hated their self.
          They had been together for a long time and spent almost all of their time together which magnified the length of time they were together by two or maybe five. Both people were slightly bored of the other person but were mostly just bored of themselves. Both of them liked to eat cakes but one liked cakes more and the one that liked cakes less always gave the last bite of cake to the one who liked it more. That person was happy about this, and it gave that person a little energy, but not enough. They did not know hot to raise the level of energy around them, although they understood that this was an important and critical thing that needed to happen; it was maybe even a vital thing. The person with some energy sometimes suggested things to do to make the other person feel better and have more energy, and sometimes it worked, but things always returned to a state of low energy, and also confusion. Their depth of understanding of energy, how it worked, its various levels, is what caused the confusion; it was the combination of this understanding of energy and the knowledge that they did not know what to do. This confusion took away more energy from the person who had no energy than from the person who had some. The person with some energy was more aware of the situation than the person with no energy, but the person with no energy was also aware. The person with some energy often thought that the person with no energy would have more energy if their relationship ended. This made the person with some energy feel sad and that sadness took away energy from both of them but also sometimes gave energy. The person with some energy understood the person without energy and felt compassion. This sometimes made the person with no energy resent the person with some energy, and also because the person with some energy had any energy at all. When the person with energy felt sad for other reasons, the person with no energy sometimes found some energy to be close to and console the other person and this made the person with energy wonder about the lack of energy of the other person, but also the person understood. The person with some energy often thought, “I can only relate to people through sadness.” The person without energy liked to touch the person with energy, but that person touched like it was touching a cute furry animal. The person with energy felt small and fragile like a little glass statue of a cute furry animal. The person with energy felt inadequate because it could not successfully give energy to the person without energy and also because the person without energy did not desire to have sex with the person with energy. The person without energy felt guilty and angry because it knew that the person with energy felt this way. The person without energy felt very worthless and often talked about suicide. The person with some energy thought that the other person would not kill themselves, but also worried sometimes when they didn’t know what room that person was in. The person with energy knew that if their relationship ended, the person without energy would have some energy out of necessity. This person would then start doing things by themselves again, and gain more energy and then want to be together with the person with energy and they would have sex again and the energy would be new. The person with energy also knew that if this happened, it would be exciting and produce more energy and the energy would be in abundance, but also that the energy would eventually go away again and eventually they would walk around knowing that their relationship might end, but not talk about it.
     They both hoped something would happen to raise the level of energy, but knew they had to make it themselves. They didn’t have enough energy to get more energy. They didn’t know what to do. They knew that it was nobody’s fault. They loved each other.

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