Ben Rosamond

Jack looks in the mirror. Jack thinks, “I know I don’t need to lose weight, but I really should, or I should put on muscle, or something.” Jack sighs.

Jack opens the door to the refrigerator. Jack looks in the refrigerator. Jack takes Lisa’s Moroccan Style Hummus from the refrigerator. Jack opens a cupboard door. Jack takes a 350g bag of organic natural corn chips from the cupboard. Jack dips organic natural corn chips into hummus. Jack thinks “Why am I doing this, am I even hungry.” Jack thinks, “I don’t even know anymore, like know anything.” Jack plays the song “Can’t Stop Partying” by Weezer feat. Lil Wayne. Jack thinks, “I wish I couldn’t stop partying, I think.” Jack’s cellphone rings. Jack answers his cellphone. Alicia says, “Hi.” Jack says, “Hi.” Alicia says, “I am having a party, or I guess a thing, or something, tonight.” Jack doesn’t say anything. Alicia says, “You should come.” Jack says, “OK. I will see you tonight.” Alicia says, “Cool.”

Jack is at Alicia’s party. A girl Jack doesn’t know says “I like your shoes” to Jack. Jack says, “What?” The girl says, “I like your shoes.” Jack says, “Oh, thanks.” The girl walks away. Jack says “damn” under his breath. Alicia asks Jack if he is having fun. Jack says, “Yes.” Jack thinks, “I am not having fun.” Alicia smiles. Alicia sits on Jack’s lap. Jack thinks, “Is this a precursor to sexual contact, I hope this is a precursor to sexual contact.” 5 minutes pass, with Alicia on Jack’s lap. Alicia stands up. Alicia walks away, and smiles at Jack. Jack thinks, “Does she want me to follow her?” Jack stays seated. Jack leaves the party and walks home. When Jack is home, he thinks, “I should have followed her, I could have got a blowjob, maybe.” Jack watches a fishing show on TV for one hour then goes to bed.

Jack wakes up. It’s 1 pm. He opens a Microsoft Word document on his Apple MacBook. The Microsoft Word document is named “poems” and contains poems written by Jack. Jack looks at all the poems. Jack deletes every poem, then clicks undo after feeling a moment of intense anxiety. Jack thinks, “Why do I write poetry, it seems like everything is just derivative of someone else who is more talented and more attractive and more famous than me, not just everything I write but actually, legitimately, everything, should I just stop writing or kill myself or something god damn” then shuts the screen of his Apple MacBook. Jack reopens the screen of his Apple MacBook, opens a blank Microsoft Document, and types “A Critique Of A Manifesto For The Teenaged Anarcho-Communist Living A Life Ruled, To Some Degree, By Consumerism And Controlled, To The Same Degree, By Marketing, In Contemporary New Zealand.” Jack thinks “I should make that title less convoluted, or else save it for a doctoral thesis or something.” Jack sighs. Jack logs in to Facebook and posts “is there anything happening soon or should i just kill myself” as his status. People comment on Jack’s status. One of the comments says something like “stop attention seeking asshole.” Jack reads this comment and feels bad. Jack deletes his status. Jack writes a status that says “sorry.” Jack deletes this status. Jack writes a status that says “fuck it.” Jack leaves his computer. Jack thinks, “I’m so fucking stupid, no one can write anything called ‘A Critique Of A Manifesto For The Teenaged Anarcho-Communist Living A Life Ruled, To Some Degree, By Consumerism And Controlled, To The Same Degree, By Marketing, In Contemporary New Zealand’ and make it good, whatever, I will think of a better doctoral thesis.”

Jack puts on shorts, a jersey and brogues. Jack walks out of his house, into the road. Jack thinks, “Really, I’m standing in a fucking road, this is ridiculous, there aren’t even any cars, this is the worst way to attempt cry-for- help suicide.” Jack walks to the sidewalk. Jack walks to a shop and buys 2 2.25 litre bottles of Coca-Cola Zero. The cashier says, “I heard those sweeteners give you cancer.” Jack says, “I actually think I would rather get cancer than get fat.” The cashier doesn’t say anything. Jack feels bad for being shallow. Jack walks home. While Jack is walking home he tries to remember if the cashier was fat. “I don’t think she was fat,” Jack thinks. “Maybe she is friends with fat people. There’s nothing even wrong with being fat. I can’t believe I said that to her. I can’t believe I thought that just before. Jesus, fat is fine.”

Jack is at home. Jack drinks Coca-Cola Zero. Jack thinks, “Even when I’m doing something it’s just the same as if I’m doing nothing.” Jack thinks, “I can’t believe I just thought that, that is the most pseudo-intellectual thing anybody could ever think.” Jack sighs. Jack finds his Apple MacBook. Jack opens his Apple MacBook. Jack looks at various websites devoted to hip-hop, specifically 1017 Brick Squad-related sites. Jack downloads an album from one of these sites. The album is called Flockaveli. The album is by Waka Flocka Flame. Jack wonders if Waka Flocka Flame knows anything about Machiavelli. Jack remembers he doesn’t know anything, really, about Machiavelli. Jack Googles Machiavelli. Jack reads several Wikipedia articles related to Machiavelli. Jack thinks, “I don’t like Machiavelli.” Jack thinks, “I like this album though.”

Jack is hungry. Jack doesn’t eat anything. Jack thinks, “I read once that hunger pangs is the feeling of fat leaving your body, I wonder if that is true.” Jack decides it’s probably not true. Jack looks in the mirror and decides that he doesn’t need to lose weight. “Maybe I actually do,” thinks Jack. “I don’t know anymore.” Jack listens to the song “No Surprises” by Radiohead. Jack puts the song “No Surprises” by Radiohead on repeat. Jack repeatedly listens to the song “No Surprises” by Radiohead. Jack starts singing the lyrics to the song “No Surprises” by Radiohead. Jack goes to sleep.

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